When we were little, we relied on our moms for just about everything. Moms were our source of food, comfort, protection, and love. They became our greatest teachers, showing us how to act, what to say, and even how to feel about ourselves.
As we grow older, we become less dependent upon our moms for our physical needs like food and protection, but on an emotional level, we look to our mothers for love and support through our teenage years and into adulthood.
As children, when we fell down and scraped our knee, we ran to our mothers and they comforted us, kissed the boo-boo, and held us as we cried. On the other hand, if we wandered off alone into a parking lot, Mom might become angry and yell at us. Even if we didn’t understand why it wasn’t OK to wander off, we stopped doing it because we felt bad when Mom didn’t approve of us.
When Mom felt good, we felt good, and when Mom felt bad, we felt bad.
This emotional dependence upon our mothers is often called “approval seeking”, and although it serves us well during our childhood years, our desire for Mom to approve of everything we do can become a source of pain as we become independent in other areas of our lives. I’ve never met a teenager who hasn’t fought with their mother or wanted to do things that their mothers wouldn’t allow them to.
It doesn’t feel good when we disagree with our moms – in fact, it can hurt a lot. Remember what we did when we were children when we were in pain? We ran to our mothers and they comforted us, showed us love, and told us everything was going to be OK. When we experience conflict with our mothers, however, that source of love we learned would always be there for us isn’t there anymore.
The opposite of love is hate, and when our mothers are angry with us, the lack of love can feel like hate, and hate is often a mask for fear.
You’re Not Wrong
I wrote this article to help you understand that you’re not wrong for feeling the way you do and to provide some insight into why it might seem like your mom hates you. It’s much easier to diffuse a conflict when you have a deeper understanding of what you’re really fighting about.
You didn’t cause the your mother’s anger and it’s not your responsibility to fix it, but there are certain things you can do to make your life easier during difficult times and to help your mom understand that you’re not the enemy.
It’s Not Hate: It’s Fear
As much as we might want them to be perfect, part of growing up is realizing that moms are just regular people who experience the same emotions as the rest of us. When a child wanders into a parking lot, Mom isn’t angry with us because she hates us, but rather because she’s afraid we might get hurt.
When your mom is angry, even if it seems like she hates you, she’s actually just afraid. Our mothers are used to having to protect us from the outside world, and letting go of that need to protect and control can be very difficult for them. Maybe she’s afraid for your safety or of losing you to someone else, but whatever it is, hate is only a mask for fear. Try to see through her anger to the scared child underneath.
If you feel attacked, realize that she is only attacking you because she doesn’t know a better way to express her fear and that she’s trying to protect you by controlling your actions. Fear never feels good, and your mom is angry because she thinks that you are causing her to be afraid. She doesn’t realize that every person’s fear comes from their own thinking, and you could never make her afraid. Try not to take what she says personally, because fear and pain can lead us to believe and say things that aren’t true.
We Need Other Sources Of Love
As children, we rely on our moms to be our primary sources of love, but as we grow older, it’s important to have a support network of trusted friends or family members for those times Mom isn’t emotionally available to help us out.
It’s helpful to look for people who aren’t emotionally connected to our moms for support, because people who are too close to the situation can bring pre-conceived notions and judgments to the table. A trusted teacher, relative, or friend’s parent might be the right person to go to. You can always start the conversation by saying, “Hey, I was wondering if it would be OK for me to ask your advice about this situation I’m having with my mom.”
Trust your gut, and make sure your confidant is closed-mouthed and what you say won’t get back to your mother. Someone once said, “A problem shared is a problem halved.”
Listen Past Her Words
I suggest listening to what your mom has to say, not because you’re wrong, but because at a basic human level, everybody wants to be heard. Even if what mom is saying sounds unreasonable, give her the opportunity to say it. Try to listen to her emotions, not to her words. When you can start to perceive the immense amount of pain that is underneath the hate you perceive, it’s easier to show compassion and forgiveness.
Your Feelings Are Your Feelings
When we grow up, a lot of people show up in our lives who say to us, “You’re wrong.” Your feelings are yours alone, and no one should say you’re wrong for feeling a certain way. Try to keep that in mind when dealing with your mother, too. Your mom doesn’t like to feel angry, so instead of trying to tell her she’s wrong for feeling a certain way, try to look past her emotions and help her to understand her perspective.
Wrapping It Up
I hope this article has helped you gain insight into the source of conflict with your mom and helped to answer the question, “Why does my mom hate me?” I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences around this issue in the comments section below, and if you would like to learn more, Amazon sells a number of books about how to deal with mom. It’s a challenging subject, but I believe that by helping each other, we can all achieve a greater level of peace within our relationships.
All the best,
David P.
Ehhh this is nice for most people especially the pleathera of selfish adult children of the world, but not for people who had truly toxic mothers.
Yeah, the kind mothers that want you to be there for them not the other way around. The kind that, no matter what you do, always look at you as something not good enough
Dear Spaceman Alcatraz,
Thank you so much for reading and for leaving a comment on this article. I’d like to invite you to share more about your situation. As adults, it’s our job to “be there for ourselves” to the extent that we are capable. If you approve of yourself, it doesn’t matter if your mother approves of you or not. We get into trouble when we give our power away to mom by asking for her permission to approve of ourselves. Abraham Maslow said that we must learn to “be independent of the good opinion of other people”. To me, that means that whether or not mom approves of us, we’re OK as long as we’re OK with ourselves. As a friend used to remind me often, it’s an inside job.
I wish you all the best,
David P.
David, every day my mom comes home she starts yelling at my dad, brother, and I. However, she particularly loves to get under my skin. I ask her all the time what am I doing? She cannot give me a legitimate reason. She always tries to make herself a victim. And she always, always says that the only time I talk to her is when I need her for things. But, every time I try and talk to her, or tell her about my day she just replies with a random question like, ” how much money was your check this week?” Every thing I tell her goes through one ear and out the other. I am a successful successful student in college, an artist, i go to work every day ( at my job that I have been working at for three years ), I have a really steady boyfriend. I just don’t understand, why she seems to have so much hate in herself.
Hey Shelbey,
I think you hit the nail on the head in the last sentence you wrote. You said you don’t understand why she seems to have so much hate in herself, and that’s a key to freedom – the hate is in her. You didn’t put it there and you’re not causing it now.
Wayne Dyer, a spiritual teacher of mine who just passed away, used an analogy with an orange that I really like:
When you squeeze an orange, what comes out? Orange juice. Does it matter who squeezes the orange – your mom, you dad, you, your brother? No, and why? Because what comes out is what’s inside.
If there’s one sentence in your comment I’d encourage you to take a look at, it’s the one where you say that “she particularly loves to get under my skin.” The only way people can get under our skin (a silly phrase if you really think about it) is if we allow them to. It sounds like you’re almost there and you’re ready to take the leap into the next level of self-awareness.
You’re not doing anything to cause your mother to feel a certain way – in fact, you can’t. She can’t cause you to feel a certain way either. We’re like oranges too – when your mom squeezes you, what comes out? What comes out is what’s inside of you.
That’s good news, because it means that we can stop people from getting under our skin by changing the way we feel about ourselves. Here’s a secret of life: The only things that get under are skin are things we believe are true. My friend Wally taught me that one – he’d say, “Dave, you have blue hair!”, and it wouldn’t bother me because it wasn’t true. If someone said, “How much money did you bring home?” and I had even the slightest fear I wasn’t bringing home enough, it would absolutely get under my skin.
If you realize you’re bringing home enough money, whether it’s a dollar or a million dollars, and take that next step into happiness and self-confidence, your mother can say all she wants and it won’t bother you – or at least it will bother you a whole lot less. Instead of getting angry, you’ll be able to say, “This week I brought home enough, and it’s enough because I believe it is.”
You’re valuable, hard-working, and very thoughtful. Give yourself permission to be happy and you will be. The one thing Wayne Dyer said that affected my life more than anything else was this: “There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.”
I wish you all the very best,
David
I have a victim-minded mom, too. She has five children, and she only loved two of them. She has minor hypertension as many of the elders have, and hers is very well controlled when she follows the doctor’s instructions taking the pill and stay in calm emotions. She is afraid to take bp reading herself as she’s too anxious. She’s always sitting their very stiffly without moving or even talking for ten minutes before taking the bp. I ask her to relax her body because she’s so tense that I can feel her hands as hard as iron. But then she yells at me saying that her bones are hard when she was born! I asks her to relax because I saw her breathing very fast, she again yells at me that she has a weak body that makes her breathe fast, of course, this isn’t true! She breathes normally when she’s not measuring bp! And the doctor says she has a very healthy heart rate! She yells at me for everything even I serve her tenderly, but as soon as she sees my another sister comes out from her room, she turns into another extremely nice person! Or she disguises as a victim as if I had ill-treated her! So my sister has been angry with me for this. My sister doeisn’t believe in me because my mom never yells at her, and treats her very tenderly.
My mom is always emotional to me only, like I am her source of irritation even though I serve her tenderly, politely and calmly. She has been unfair to me since my childhood.
She always pretends like a victim, sitting there and staring at the wall as if she was in great pain during the end of the world. But when she found that nobody was around seeing her, she immediately turned very relaxed and no more victim manner! She always wants to use her victim manner to torture us, make us feel that we are making her suffer.
She never admits what she has said or done wrong. If I reason with her, she will yell at me and say that she has a poor memory now. But she never has a poor memory on things that she believes others have offended her or have done sth that she didn’t like.
She also distorts facts in front of my sister who is misled that I was wrong and becoming hate me more and more.
My mum never supports us further our studies. We never use her money and we use our savings to pay for our tuition fees. My mom thinks that this means we are rich and we should give her that amount of money instead of studying. And she’s angry that we are busy studying, she wants us to standby her everyday, and accompanies her going anywhere she suddenly thinks of. She never thinks for our future, our need to keep learning.
Yeah, my mother is so similar, I can’t figure my mother out either. She is sweet and tender to my sister who is selfish among other things and mean, nasty, spiteful, manipulative among other awful things to me. She also is obsessed with painting herself as the victim. I’ve gotten to the point where I just live my own life even though unfortunately she lives with me and I keep a very superficial relationship with her. I find this is the best way to try to lead a happy life otherwise she would make me miserable beyond belief. Basically, I do my best not to give her the chance to mess with me.
Dear TheCatholicGirl,
Thanks so much for reading this article and for leaving a comment. If you’d be willing, I’d like to invite you to share about what brought you here and why you believe this article doesn’t apply to people who had “toxic” mothers. Even though it’s become a catchphrase in the self-help world, I’m not sure I believe in the concept of “toxic” people.
Thank you again and I look forward to hearing your thoughts,
David P.
Because a toxic mother cannot put your needs before hers, is not concerned for your safety in the world, and seeks to destroy you. I grew up upper middle-class raised by the so-called greatest generation by a character disordered mother and was the family scapegoat so it was difficult to realize the deprevation and emotional abuse. My mother did not love me and destroyed all my relationships, including with my children, telling them I was hedonistic (I didn’t even go out to a movie without them as I was a single mom for 15 years of 3 children), spread slander and gossip, etc… I believe now my mother actually tried to kill my own children ‘by accident’ out of jealousy. In one incident the police were called because my 3 year old was found wondering around outside in the early morning and discovered by police (not normal for him at all – to go outside alone at that age) and in another incident she left another young son unattended in a jetted tub and he was discovered on his back with face barely out of the water. These are just some of things I found out about much later. These things are just the tip of the iceberg. I am now married to man just like her. My mother is and was pathologically selfish, a horrible mother and it’s destroyed my life.
Hey CatholicGirl,
I’m sorry for taking so long to get back to you, but I did want to follow up. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had such a difficult time with your mom. I’m also sorry to hear that you’re also in a relationship that is similar to the one with your mother. If you’re willing, I’d be interested to know how you’re doing. Things aren’t hopeless – there’s help out there and people who care.
All the best,
David
B*tch you sound like of those mothers gtfo
My mom is not speaking to me and I understand why, but I have been sober and I work 2 jobs now for a year. What about sending my mom a text that just says…Mom, I see that my actions caused us to be apart. I would like to know what your thoughts are. For me, I feel bad inside not seeing you or the family for so long and not knowing when I will again. I love you.
After just sending this question to you on this site I feel better and wonder if I will just not send her the note. She decided it is best for her to distance herself and when she is ready if she ever will be ready she will contact me. I’m doing my part to be the best I can be and that’s all I have control over. I have to accept it. I can’t make her reach out to me. I don’t know if she will just let it go on and on. In the past when I told her I miss and want to see her again she gave no response as to when or if we will. It’s really up to her, right?
exactly. Im 59 and still struggle with it.
So my fu***** mom is afraid of me doing the laundry? Or the dishes? Or fu***** anything in my life for that matter? We wen’t out and bought a pair of 110$ shoes. First time in a long ass time! The next day we take them back because i didn’t like them and she makes me get 30$ shoes… Now i look like shit, I should have just suffered with the nice looking shoes. But she doesn’t care as long as shes saving a buck, And also she’s going a a concert next weekend with her cousin, Of course i wasn’t invited… And she seems to find it a nececity that i know i’m not living with her forever.
Note from David: I wanted this to be public but I had to clean up the language a little.
Hey Darren,
Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. I can tell you’re angry and that’s absolutely OK.
Let’s let go of your situation for a minute and think of three things parents want for their kids: Happiness, healthiness, and success.
When we’re little, it’s mom’s job to take care of all those things – feed us, clothe us, play with us. When we’re teenagers, it’s a little more complicated. We think we know what will make us happy, healthy, and successful – but mom thinks she knows too. We don’t always agree on the best way to get there.
Now let’s look at your situation:
Clothes / Dishes: You: It’s a total drag (I get that). Mom: Afraid her son won’t be successful in a relationship, afraid you’d get made fun of at college if people find out you don’t know how to do laundry, afraid she isn’t a good mother if she doesn’t enforce the rules – It could be any number of things.
Shoes: You: These shoes aren’t cool (afraid your friends might not like them, afraid you don’t look good, afraid you might get rejected). Mom: Afraid that you’re not happy. I have a feeling that your mom knows that you’re unhappy and she’s worried about your relationship. I bet the shoes were an attempt to make you happy, if only for a short while. I didn’t realize just how much our parents want us to be happy until I was older. I know it’s hard to understand, but just know that she wants you to be happy.
The concert and the subtle reminders that you’re not living there forever – we could keep going, but I think you get the idea.
Your mom doesn’t hate you. If you want to talk via email, you can email me using the contact form on my other website: http://www.payetteforward.com/contact/ – and if you really want to make her happy, tell her, “You know what, I kind of like these shoes you bought me.” (You don’t have to actually like them, but I bet they’re not that bad.)
David P.
I love how he takes time to respond to the obvious spoiled child, but not those who have/are struggling. :/
Hey Anon,
I know people are struggling and it’s never my intention to ignore anyone. I’m grateful that so many people have shared their thoughts and experiences around this topic.
The truth is that I have been very busy lately and haven’t had time to keep up with the comments on this article. I appreciate your comment because it reminds me that the time I spend here can make a positive impact on people’s lives.
All the best,
David
thank you
Reading these replies makes me think that many of us have had to deal with narcissistic mothers more so then poor mom has these “fears” In my experience if it was fear she must have been a special kind of paranoid. Dr Karyl McBride wrote a book called Will I ever be good enough Healing the Daughters ( and sons I’m sure) of Narcissistic Mothers.
Your article almost justifies mothers overreacting
It’s certainly not my intention to cast mother in a victim role, but the goal is for the reader to step out of the victim role themselves. Not because they “should”, but because they are empowered by a genuine understanding and belief in their own inherent value. Yes, mom may be narcissistic or have any number of defects of character, but this article isn’t about mom. Your ability to heal is not contingent upon your mother’s words or actions. If it were, the first page of the book you mentioned would say, “Give this book to your mother. She’s the one who needs to change.”
Best advice about this subject in deed Anne.
I think everyone here should check out this article and its comment section:
http://www.narcissisticmother.com/daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers
Even reading this story it still doesn’t change the fact some mothers shouldn’t be mothers like my mother. All she care about is herself and her man she have never been in my life not even now just like today she is calling me ungrateful and other nasty names but I came to the conclusion that if she wasn’t there for me then she wouldn’t be now and I’m getting to the point where I really don’t want her around anymore.
Interesting perspective and it is useful to pause for thought and consider that yes, my mother is only human even though when I was growing up she was the bees knees and could do no wrong.
I guess seeing fallibility in someone you love is a sign of growing up myself – am still disappointed that I can’t laugh and share things with my mum any longer. We could have been great friends – we have so much in common.
I feel this isn’t true at all, if that’s the case then my mother is afraid I will have some where to live.
That’s not being afraid at all more then anything she should be happy but she isn’t, I been homeless for 6 years and now I’m on track she rants and raves at me like I’m in the wrong for finally doing right!! She narcissistic by the way
Hi David, can you tell me why my mom hates me? She’s always yelling at me, and when I’m sad or when I cry, she just tells me to shut up. She makes me cry all the time when she yells at me and I hate it, I don’t do anything wrong, and I feel worthless, please help me.
I Do like my mom because she loves me sooooooooooooo much!
I wish mine did.
Why i felt my spiritual mom hates me so much i tryed to be nice to her tell her how i felt and wheni text her she will say leave me alone she will say that to me and when i ask her for ride home from meeting she will say no she says that always why she hates me so much . i dont felt love by her anymore why she hates me so much . know on i am leaving her alone now on and then. She like a mom to me cause i never had a mom loved me all my mother say I wish I never had you wish u were never born. I hear that from my family the only family shown me love is my grandmother and grandfather they shown me love they rise me and my brother mike they were very loving grandparents i missed them so much. Now i dont felt love by my spiritual mom either she was happy when I was back but now she not happy i tryed to be nice to her but she gets so mad easy . i do love her but she hates me and now i am leaving her alone now on and then. Im am saying goodbye to her now so she can be happy again its hurts so bad but I will get over it. She wants me to leave her alone so I will leaving her alone now.
awh…this was great…but no help! my mom yells everyday for the smallest things…and never shows the love…and today i made one mistake and she locked me in my room for hours no food or anything…she wont let me do anything i want…and banned me from everything i like…she left for hours after what i did…and came back after the rest of the day…i thought she’d be cooled off but no…she came home and gave me one look…a look of hatred, a look of disgust…a look of embarrasment…its so unfair…problem is i love her to the moon and back!!!!!!!!…what can i do for love???
I can somewhat understand my mom cause I see her everyday. I can understand she is tired from work and house chores and dealing with me and my sister.
I know that my mom sacrifice a lot for the both of us and all, but she just doesn’t have to be so cold to me. I know I might be untidy at times but I still clean the place up. I know my attitude is all messed up but you don’t have to be so mean to me say that I always gives you the “black face” (means unhappy and unsatisfied). Is not like I want to, I just don’t know how to express myself.
So what if my attitude is messed up, no one knows about this side of me because I wear a “mask” over myself. I have to be fake in front of my friends, teachers, and others, just so I don’t break her image. I’m tried of wearing that “mask”, when I come home I just want to be free from it. But you know what? No. Just no. I have to be stuck with it. She even said ” your attitude is killing my love for you.” As if I don’t know! I had to go talk with my counsellor about my attitude without her knowing. Is not like I don’t want to tell her I did! She said “You have problems? About what? Being unhappy and unsatisfied with me?”.
I am not sure about others but she said “once you graduate, out of my house. I don’t care if you survive or not just get out.” Sometimes she has no bloody idea what I have to deal with at school and now this. I still have only one and a half years to go before I am out of the house. And the worse part is where the hell am I to got that much money! The rental here is so high that I might need to have at least 2 jobs just to pay my rent.
You know the best part? Sometimes I feel like I am never welcome. Yes I am grateful for all the things she gives me; a room to myself, education food and love. But two years ago, I feel like everything is going downhill. I have no idea what happened. The truth is I feel more welcome in school than at home. Sometimes I even feel like renting a room in the dormitory just to get away from the cold at home. But like I said the rent is just to high and I am a full time student.
From all the things I thought she could have said and she had to say the only thing that could make me want to hurt her badly. She accused me. She accused me for losing the camera. It was my grandma’s birthday and we had a gathering. She asked for the camera and I gave it to her. My sister saw and hear of this conversation and action. But when I ask for the camera back she said she did not have it and I did not give it to her. She accused me for losing it. I was INNOCENT for God’s Sake. My sister stand by my side and we found it. It was so embarrassing, not about “losing” the camera but to accused by your own mother in front of other people. Now they might think that I am a irresponsible person.
I even though of hurting myself just to get all the negative thinking out of my mind. The colder my mom is getting the colder the house is. People say “lonely is a bad thing to have in life.” But to me, I feel warm cause I don’t have to come home and face anyone and I answer only to myself.
I am tired of all this. Maybe I should just take up my friends offer since they are renting out flats aways from the house.
my mom really does hate me last night she tried to choke me and hit me with a curtain pole and today she wished I would get raped and killed and she said she wouldnt care if I died because she would be happy she hurt my feelings so much now I’m thinking suicidal thoughts like I’m going to starve myself so I can die and that will be a Christmas sense she hates me so much why don’t I just go get hit by a car and die
My fucking mom hates my guts! For nothing I hug her and she calls me all sorts of s*** she calls me a hoe a bitch everything FOR NOTHING
Dear Chloe,
I am not a therapist or medical professional but what your mother is doing to you is abuse. You don’t deserve it and it’s not your fault. I bet it is really scary. I hope you don’t end up killing yourself. Your life is worth something. I urge you to call the free domestic violence intervention organization hotline in your community. They will help you get out of your situation and get back on your feet at no cost. I never write comments but I felt compared to speak to you. I am involved with the domestic abuse intervention organization in my town and I hope you can get the help you need in your town.
I really liked this article and it really helped me understand why my mom is always so angry at me. But i am still confused as to why she always shuns me when i ask for more attention. My mom is so attached to my older sister and when i complain that she ignores me a lot, she yells about what nonsense that is. Then she continues on treating me like the invisible child. I’m sick of this and i need a way to get my mom’s anger at my jealousy to turn into understanding. 🙁
I agree this is a nice article for healthy families. The reality is there are mothers that do hate their children.
No one should feel that way. I’m so sorry that you had to experience this. There is always a reason to live. I’ve been there.
My mother is a controlling psycho who hates me. I dont know why everything i do just pisses her off. i am the firstborn and according to everybody i am a good example to my sisters but not to my mum. she would start calling while am still at work asking me to go home and prepare dinner for her and gets really mad when i delay even if there was traffic. the other day she saw my boyfriend who had just brought me a christmas present and she took it away saying i stay in her house. she cant stop calling me names and her personal favourite is stupid fat slut just because my boyfriend drives a nice car. i cant move out because i have just finished college and i am on unpaid internship. i really dont know what to do as i am fed up with her. please help
I understand a mother has different relationships with all her children…as do I since I’m a mother myself…but I equally love my kids and try to give each one individual quality time.
My mother on the other hand…has favorites and doesn’t hide it at all. Out of 5..only 2 are in her good graces..The way they are treated is the complete opposite of what I and my siblings get in return…My other sister just accepts the poor treatment…they bicker back and forth and make up with each other every time. I on the other hand…I stay away because I don’t want to blow up and disrespect her by telling her how I feel and point out her truths.
The third and youngest son…no longer has a relationship with my mom.
She doesn’t reach out to check on me..no calls, no visits… It’s a one sided relationship…She had mentioned that “she’s” the mother and that I should be making the effort to call or visit (of which I do maybe once a month)…but like I mentioned earlier…I choose to avoid the negativity.
The way she looks at the 2 favorites…saddens my heart…I don’t get that look…I get a look of disgust, anger, or frustration. I can’t change her, I can only learn from her and not do this with my own kids.
No i 100% garentee my mom HATES me. Because she doesn’t drink or dugs so she’s perfectly telling me “I don’t like you.” or “I F*****KING HATE YOU!!” she never did this with my older sister
My mom isn’t my biological one. My aunt raised me.
She used to love me alot but ever since my sister’s marriage broke, she only and only concentrates on her. I totally understand that she is the one who needs her more, but my sister is in her office the whole day. We do get time together when my aunt returns from her office and my sister isn’t home yet. But instead of spending time with me, she occupies her with one thing or tge other. Besides she keeps snubbing me all the time, shouting at me for every little thing. I do everything to keep her happy and i never talk back but she never realises how hurt i am by all this. All of it has pushed me to find something or the other and stay all day in my room alone. She is just not interested in me anymore.
I am 57 years old and my Mother tries to control every move I make because I always do everything wrong in her eyes!!! She questions my faith, my church, and everything which makes me feel like a total looser!!!
One day I was being productive…weeding in the yard and she approached me two times to say, “If I was doing that I would do it this way”…two different ways…because I couldn’t even weed correctly. If I ever have a suggestion or idea, its wrong and she tosses it aside. I have one friend that she hates…that I have over occasionally and we drink a little and play games…it is very innocent…no sex, not a boyfriend…and it is my house…she didn’t pay for it, cosign, or anything else!!! It could be so much worse…I could be having orgies, on major drugs, or driving and drinking…but I choose to stay in my own home with one friend…no big parties!!! She is a neat freak and cannot understand why I am not like her…that is not my priority…and I can’t be her cause I’m me…but to her I’m not good enough in any way. I will never forget how she told me she’s a failure as a mother because of me…but I’ve worked 30+years at my job and own my own house. Love and God are my priority…I feel like her priority is hate. She is84 and won’t live much longer, and I want our last years together to be good!! HELP!!!
My mother hates me. My whole life she’s tried to get rid of me. I’m 37 now I gave up on it. Life goes on its unfortunate but sometimes it’s a thing some of us have to except.
I like this article and i feel that this can and will help many people but things is some mothers do hate their children like my mom even told me she did over and over and over again and she wished that i was never born she even sometimes calls me the devil. This did help me feel a little better so thank you but with me, i think i will just have to live with it or don’t☻
My parents have both cut me off. I went to college, am successful, have been happily married for 20 years, am a mom to 3 great sons, – and my parents have nothing to do with me. However, my two sisters (one is an alcoholic and the other is now a super religious nut – but she formerly was a drug addict who sold her body for drugs) – my parents have relationships with both of them. Both sisters are unstable. My mother has threatened to physically assault me, kept my beloved grandmother from me when she was dying (never allowed me to tell her goodbye), and many other mean things. I haven’t spoken to either parent for 6 years. I feel alone, abandoned, and depressed at times, but mostly I can push those emotions out of my mind. But when those feelings come, it’s overwhelming. So many kind, gentle, and loving parents out there. Why can’t mine treat me that way?
Hey Vicki,
It sounds like that despite some very difficult circumstances, you have, as you said, built a full, happy life for yourself – and you should feel good about that.
When we feel alone, abandoned, and depressed – when we don’t feel good, no matter the cause – it’s very tempting to look outside of ourselves and say, “If only ___ was different, then I would be happy.” In this case, it’s your mother, but for other people, it’s the job, or the relationship, or there’s not enough money – you get the idea. I’m not saying you’re wrong to feel the way you do, and I certainly don’t believe that shoving the feelings down inside you is a permanent solution, because, as you said, they tend to come back eventually.
What I would like to suggest is that your mother may not be the reason why you feel alone, abandoned, or depressed. I’m not excusing her behavior, but I would ask you to set it aside for a minute and consider how you feel.
As you said, your mother’s behavior has been pretty consistent through the years. No matter her motivations to treat you the way she does, she is consistent! So why do you experience alternating periods of sadness and happiness, when her behavior remains the same? It is indicative that the cause lies within, and we are often the greatest enemies to ourselves. Your mother, despite her many faults, may not be the enemy you perceive her to be.
An objective look at your life – a successful woman, happily married, who has raised and loved three sons from childhood to happy adulthood, who cares enough about herself to reach out for support – where is the lack in your life?
You, who have been given the gift of love, are the mother to your children that your mother can not be to you. When you look on her, try to look with forgiving eyes, because if she only knew the love you know for your children, she could not possibly act the way she does toward you.
Fall not into the trap of believing lack exists where none does. You are whole; wholly loving and wholly lovable. You will not find love where none exists, and you need not, because you have an unlimited supply within yourself. Love is received as it is given, and given as it is received. When you realize you already have everything, it becomes unnecessary to look outside yourself to find it, where it could never be.
If you need a little mantra to repeat to yourself, something like this may be helpful, although the wording is entirely up to you:
“I seek not to find my mother’s love outside myself. I receive it as I give it to my children, as my mother would give to me if she only knew. Forgive her, for she is a sick person.”
Thank you so much for taking the time to write, and, as a friend used to say, if nobody’s told you they love you today, I love you.
All the best,
David
My mom has been in a bad mood for a week now and on Wednesday she went in my closet and saw it was messy, etc. She yelled at me and everything and hasn’t talked to me since then. She’s hidden in her room and only comes out for water. I keep trying to talk to her and she doesn’t answer me. Finally today I told her please talk to me and she bursted out saying she disgusted of me and she’s over me.
its all about being happy and enjoying “your” life
Yeah good article
But not for me. This article says that mums have fear of losing me huh
But my mum really doesn’t wants me. I’m a burden for her and she won’t even cry when I die. You might think whatever I’m saying now is childish but these words aren’t from me. It’s from her….
She doesn’t wants me. She don’t understand me. Everything I do is wrong. There’s a fault in every move of mine,every word I speak,every time I breath
I can’t feel the love I can see the hatred in her eyes everyday. The look she gives me wishing I was dead every time that’s just …..it just breaks me
The wrong relationships make us recognize the right ones when it arrives
I’m sorry you have to go through this Victoria. I know. Ever since the age of 11 my mom started to treat me like a servant, and I still don’t know why. She cut off all contacts to my grandma for her own space, and never let me see her again after the age of 7, and it will soon be 6 years without her too. I advise you to feel happy that you have such a wonderful family that you built for yourself, and I for one have learned what my parent has done to make me so afraid of her and will learn from her mistakes to never heartbreak my children. I hope you are at peace and take care. Good luck.
Well, that was a tough thing to read. My first thought is that I wish I was 12 reading this but sadly I’m 28.
It’s only become apparent to me recently that my own mother was fearful and angry. She managed to manipulate her treatment of my siblings and I in such a way that I never, ever questioned what a ‘fantastic’ mother she was. It was always that I was bad. And then, thankfully, I woke up.
The insults I used to get were somehow hidden behind the outline of a person who identified as a ‘good wife and mother’. So when they came out of her mouth…how ‘vile’ I’d become, how I wasn’t normal, how I used to be so good as a little child, and now as a teenager I was an evil bitch….they felt like the truth. If I got upset when she said these things she’d say “oh here come the waterworks” and that would be it. There was never an apology. Never even an acknowledgment of my feelings.
I tried and tried to be perfect, to please her, to keep her from hating. But nothing was ever good enough. I got straight As – it meant I was ‘odd’. I volunteered, it meant I wasn’t at home enough. I got a part time job, it meant I didn’t spend time with the family at sports games. I rarely went out as when I did I always got a guilt trip.
It was always behind closed doors. She never let anyone see. It used to make me question whether I was going crazy.
I constantly live now with a belief that I am an awful human being, even though on the outside I know I work in a job that helps people, I’m nice to people, I try to be kind and good natured. But nothing ever feels good enough. No amount of praise ever seems genuine or real. That if people knew the real me they’d reject me. They’d know I was defective, just as my mum knew.
I hate her now for instilling the hate in me.
I wish I could let it go. She’s still in my life. She’s not as mean now, although still controlling in her own way. I’m determined to stand up to her but it means that I look like the horrible person as she goes to my siblings and will say how I’m ‘acting up’.
A part of me wonders if it would be easier to just cut her out of my life. Whenever I have spells when I don’t have interaction with her I live a good life – I have a loving partner and we’re due to get married. I am training to be a psychologist (so you think i’d have myself sorted out right?! WRONG!!), I have a group of very loving supportive friends. I’m trying my hardest to build on those things. To try to believe that I’m not the vile human being she told me I was.
Wishing everyone the best with their own journey.
I just want to send my well wishes to you and say that this story is the one that got me most in these comments, only because I feel like I can relate.
I am 24 (nearly 25), living at home with my parents whilst undertaking postgrad research and working part-time. I am overweight, and this has probably defined me for my entire life. Sometimes my mum just flips. I am never sure what I have done – we can disagree on things but I never aim to argue. She says I am condescending. but then it escalates – tonight she told me I am a wreck, that she wishes her daughter wasn’t me, she tells me I am fat and ugly. She tells me I have no friends, that I can’t get on with anyone. Tonight she even randomly said ‘to me you come across as special needs.’ I can’t describe the pain this causes me. Everything. Her words are so, so painful. She tells me no one respects me because I am overweight. She criticises anyone I am friends with. She told me she can’t understand how I can show my face in public.
She has broken me. but where I relate is that I absolutely love her – when you say that you couldn’t see her as anything but fantastic….I think my mum is amazing. I have so much love for her. It hurts so much that she will one day die and I will never forget these words she said to me. I just want her approval so much.
I am glad to hear you have moved on with your life to some extent, and I wish you very well on your journey too.
I suffer from chronic procrastination to games, and I think my mom hates me for that. She yells at me and sometimes hit me, and my teacher is really hard to keep up with so my grades aren’t on the bright side. I am really scared of her, but she thinks I am not because I am always playing games. So then she yells at me a lot. What should I do?
well my mother let me know when I was 9 years old she only had me because she was raped and kept me so nobody who think negative of her for giving me away as a child..she told she wanted me to know so I would understand why she would never love and accept me as she did my sister, 13 years my senior…her intense favortism my the sibling and her husband even when he sexually abused me has continued and when my mother finally started accepting me the siblling got jealous and angry using my fathers paternity against me…well I figured out it was her brother who raped her and got her pregnant with me, so for decades they hated me as I was a reminder of who did what to my mother and they spent those decades letting me know I was not normal and they scapegoated me so every heart attack or death of a relative or family member was my fault because if it weren’t for me being around it wouldn’t happen, so just as the article indicates I am hated and not accepted because of issues mother and sister have, not anything i have done except being born and it’s their issues not mine, however, their hateful acts towards me does not make it hurt any less
So you’re saying that because I’m growing up my mother is afraid. I’ve never been too close to my mother but she has provided the care necessary for a child (doctors, food, shelter, etc..) but not much emotionally. It’s understandable that letting go can be hard and stressful for both parties.
I didn’t do my chores for the first week of school senior year, but neither did my siblings and she hadn’t complained all week until my father came home. She decided that she was going to target me and rant about how I never do anything to help, mind you I make sure she always has clean clothes for work and dishes to eat off. She’s always found a way to guilt trip me and she got up and started doing everyone’s chores. When she started yelling at me I made an argument and had a break down.She told me to pack my things so I wouldn’t have anything nice anymore. She tried to throw away things that I had worked and paid for, which she succeeded in doing, but I had told her “no” for the first time ever. My answer to everything is “no” now, not like it changed anything, but I feel I’ve taken a step forward for myself and not just her.
Reading this article makes me believe that she’s just upset because she’s going to have to do things, that she’s perfectly capable of doing by herself, without me soon. She’s taken one of my most trusted friends from me already, which I only have three of, and hardly listens to anything I have to say unless it might get me in trouble. I don’t see my opinion as valued here but I have a brighter future planned. I want her to be proud of me, yes, but I want her to realize that there’s a lot that she’s been wrong about so she doesn’t make the same mistakes with her youngest, which isn’t hard to tell is her favorite. How can I help her see that I’ll be fine? I told her that once I’m eighteen that she’d never see me again, but that’s not necessarily what I want.
I am going to be honest, when reading this article i felt hate more than anything else for my mom. Because most of the points you made in this article (i will admit, pretty stereotypical) are completely wrong about my mother. I am currently 13 years old. I grew up with my mother hitting me every time she got angry at me for the smallest things. But my father was always there to protect me. When i couldn’t finish my homework when i was younger my mom would just get angry at me and let me alone for hours while I was trying to complete my mathematics for school with no help at all. But when my father would get home from work, he would come to me, comfort me and try to help me as best as he can with my homework, but then my mother would wake up from her hours of lazy sleeping/ watching TV/ reading random magazines and threaten to rip apart my homework, just because my father was helping me. Not to mention he just got home from hours of hard work and has to deal with this bullshit (excuse my language) this is also on of the reasons my parent broke up.
Also another point you made was that we would rely on our mothers when we where young for food. Well that’s totally not the case with my mother. She would leave me home almost every night alone with my father, who would have to get of hes work on the computer and take me out for food or for entertainment every night for years.
Now i have to live with my mother in the same house for 13 years with low amounts of money, and my father miles away from us in Dubai trying to make money for my future, and my mother still beating me up, yelling at me for every little thing, complaining to me all the time that she has to clean and do standard house work, always accusing me for everything she does wrong that has nothing to do with me, and also complaining that I am “lazy” because i play games on my cheap ass PC. I should also mention that last year, which i was in 7th grade (Junior High School) i got great marks for my first year, and my mother totally forgot about it.
I am sorry if i wasted your time by writhing all of this, but i appreciate you, if you made it till the end. (also i’m sorry if i didn’t use the best words/ grammar to describe my situation. Keep i mind i am 13 years old and Greek so i’m not a native English speaker)